Coddling Cuckolds

I'm sorry it's been so long. I have had almost zero alone time since my last post. What with people sleeping over, me sleeping over, people hanging out for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and hot tub parties in the evenings I'm really quite incapable of slowing down, sitting, down, and reflecting which we all know, are prerequisites for writing. ....maybe? Well, for writing that I feel like doing yes.

My life has been in a limbo for a while now and while I can deal with that fairly well, I believe my anxiety about my future is going to get the best of me quite soon. I am anxious to settle, to move on, to whatever. I'm anxious to either have a job or not have a job, I'm excited to either be in SF or NY or not. I guess I'm just ready for decisions. Pretty much my whole life is up in the air right now. I'm really excited to get settled so I can pursue things, like grad school, etc. Playing around and doing nothing is fun, but it also is difficult for me to do the things I also enjoy (which don't fall under lying on the beach, drinking with friends, and aimlessly wandering through space). I'm having troubles getting my ass out on the road to run even though I'm in shape enough to do so without too much discomfort. I am having troubles finishing Anna Karenina (I think that's partly due to the lack of alone time) and certainly, while I've had some intellectual conversations and I've been more or less stretching my academic limbs again, I'm certainly not to the point where I feel "back into it". Let's think of it this way: I'm ready to POUNCE. but that position is getting a bit achy at the moment.

It's been fantastic weather in LA for the past few weeks and I really appreciate it, like a lot. And, I've had a great time driving around LA and getting reacquainted and getting to know other parts. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on LA and let's be honest, I'm going to be damn sad to leave it (if I do).

I get to see my mom's side of the family (and my mom) SO soon. In fact, on Saturday. Which, will be the first time since the end of July. That's a pretty long time. This is really good news and I can't wait. And what better time/place to have a reunion than on vacation? When nobody is stressed, there's nobody else making claims for your time, it's just you and the fam at a socially guilty, privileged paradise.

I probably have some images I could write down. But I'm not even alone now, but being a distraction by writing on someone else's computer in someone else's room, just sort of getting in the way, but I felt bad about my lack of posts and have a feeling I may not be able to update that often while out of the country. There are a couple that I think will make you laugh and others that will make you cry, and still others that will make you realize all the important things in life and rekindle lost loves while gripping you in the depths of your soul at the inherent tragedy of existence. Have we ever thought I wasn't audacious?

Also, as if we didn't know, I LOVE words. I was caught perusing the dictionary the other day. oh. I had another weird phenomenon happen to me the other day. I can't remember anything about the context, so make one up for yourselves. But anyway, so, you know how sometimes you get stuck talking to someone you have no interest in listening to, and you are incapable of getting out of the conversation, so you're stuck politely trying to keep interest, or at least the facade of interest, all the while there's that nagging voice in the back of your head complaining to high-heaven about this loquacious chatterbox. Ok, well this happened to MYSELF the other day. Which is tricky right, because being the same person, you can't really hide the little voice in your head, nor the emotional agony at having to listen. And it was so strange because, half of me WAS in emotional agony having to listen to myself, and was complaining about myself, WHILE at the SAME time, I was feeling indignant at myself for having such a reaction, like shocked at the rudeness of myself to dismiss myself so. it was weird. The scary thing however, was that I came out of the phenomenon on the side of me that didn't want to listen, thinking cunningly and slyly, how I could better hide my utter lack of interest in myself. Ridiculous.

people may think I'm crazy, but I'm not, I just notice the shit that happens to you too, but you don't realize. (comforting story, eh?)

i think for this family trip to mexico, i'm going to bring my bathing suit, a t shirt and the rest of my bag will be full of books. I just don't think i would need anything else. wow, somehow this post became a substantial length. i don't feel so horrible now. Although, it was rather empty, I at least put some empty promises in there to keep you guys strung along. No comments=no posts, suckas. Especially now that I'm back in the States and blogging is a bit more difficult. so yeah. YEAH.

Most Recent Word I Had to Look Up: Pernicious--ruinous, injurious, deadly, fatal
Most Recent Word I Gave a False Definition To Someone: Cuckold--husband of an unfaithful wife
Definition I Gave: like coddle but with a tinge of deception ( so I wasn't THAT far off :) )


P.S. I am really perturbed at the degree to which my consideration of online dating has gotten serious.