Thoughts on the Road in October

Monday October 29, 2007

Riding the bus back down to Dublin. The light fades over the hills and hedges that make up the Irish landscape. Anticipating a hectic early morning I let myself begin to fade with the light. Intermittently cracking an eye to see the rows of heads swaying in unison. It’s the end of a bank holiday and the roads are busy. The bus is full of travelers, mostly students returning to campus.

This weekend has been reminiscent of those in college, however, my life isn’t quite as put together as it was back in Claremont, and so the toll of three day benders is greater. I must remind myself also, that I’m living in a small town again. The freedom of anonymity and lack of responsibility for drunken behavior is no longer a buffer against reputation. Damn.

In addition, we had guests. And we didn’t get nearly as much accomplished with the house as both Brian and I were hoping. Brian however, is no longer “under the gun” to get miscellaneous projects around the house completed as this bus ride is the last he’ll see of Inishowen for quite some time. Here on out, I’m on my own. So with those things weighing on my hungover shoulders I feel anxious. Crosby arrived on Saturday and I spent the day trying to recover from my first night without Brian and in the company of local friends. Playing frogger with the bus system to somehow navigate my way to Belfast left little energy for anything else. Excited to see Crosby, I thought only of getting us back to Buncrana. But it’s been nice. Crosby’s foreignness by comparison makes me feel quite local and again, proud of “my” community. It’s these scarce moments that lift the background of anxiety and worry. The difference is so subtle but strong. It’s like wearing sunglasses, only noticing the difference when they are lifted. It’s refreshing to say the least.

So here we all are. On the bus after a drunken weekend, about to embark on a week and a half of who knows what. Certainly, standing on the brink of the unknown. We have plane reservations and car reservations and that’s it. No language skills, no maps, no plans. Plenty of audacity. Aren’t we surprised.

It’s a strange feeling knowing I’ll be coming back alone. It seems to a certain extent to have already hit. Brian’s attitude has definitely been one of resignation to the end. He’s already departed. And Crosby, never really was signed on for Inishowen or the house, his mind resides solely in this trip to Eastern Europe. Whereas, while I’m looking forward (quite eagerly) to this break, I think the vast unknown of Eastern Europe eludes even my ability to mythologize it. Perhaps, it’s simply a lack of interest, or has been put on the back burner? Perhaps, this notion of leaving and being left is attracting all my attention. The future seems just too amorphous to begin to draw lines around.

Being left. Hmm.

I like the thought, even though it does fill me with that creeping dread of some unknown danger. But one I know will be diffused. Buncrana is home enough now. And I can look upon my return with excitement. That is if I survive driving in Eastern Europe, something about which I am extremely excited. I am craving to drive again. In a way, since this trip required that I buy a ticket out of Ireland for good, I too, have begun to leave. My mind often runs to thoughts of New Zealand and my next step, a part of my future easily filled with dreams, lines, plans, form. And so being stuck here straddling two diverging rivers I find myself nervous and anxious. Anything but settled.