Monday's Mainly

Monday September 17, 2007 Depression has finally begun to set in. I had been wondering how it so happened that I was taking most of this whole ordeal in such strides. But this depression seems quite normal, a familiar friend. It hasn’t quite hit the apogee but as the weather has definitely turned toward cold, my spirits have drooped. It’s been unbelievably windy the past two days to the point where I can’t sleep. The tarp rigged over the section of roof the tent is currently under slams its rock weights against the tin roof and the rain on the tarp is worse than on tin. On tarp, the rain is pestering, on tin it’s romantic. The room also doesn’t have a door and has two windows making the draughts and circulation through the room and tent incredibly powerful. This is a positive in low winds because it keeps the tent from becoming musty and spiders from making our home theirs. But in these high winds the tent shakes all night long and keeps the nights quite cold. I haven’t slept the past two nights and with fatigue comes depression. Especially, when it seems inescapable. The only way to get good sleep is do a lot of work, but I’m tired from not sleeping. Damn. I also have grown weary from the intense roller coaster I have been riding in regards to this project. One minute I’m filled with the grandest hopes for an amazing palace just within reach and the next I’m filled with such despair and wandering loneliness, physically battling the thought, “What am I doing here? Out of my vision. It’s taking its toll. What keeps us going is the promises we make each other about how much better off we’ll be when we complete this next project, or saying things like “if we could only get this up and running…” which thinking about it…it certainly is a lifesaver in our current position. But isn’t that mode of thought dangerous? When will we know when to call it quits? Isn’t that a thought process that traps millions of people, wishing to themselves, if only I had a new car, if only I won the lottery, things would be better. I was reflecting a bit on material comfort and it’s affect on my psychology the other day. Yesterday, perhaps it was, my first day of what I’d call depressive mood as opposed to Sean’s just normal “bad” mood. This is what I think. Material comforts make your mode and place of life easier to deal with when you’re unhappy with it. But seem to fall off the main radar or become inconsequential when you’re happy with your mode of life or place of life. I certainly wouldn’t struggle with the purpose of this project, the costs in my time and energy and sacrifice of other options, not to mention money, would decrease in priority, and my outlook would hardly ever dip into truly negative, if I was surrounded by material comfort here, while undertaking this project. But without them, I wonder if I’m happy doing what I’m doing… The only reason it isn’t clear is the tremendous amounts of joy I get when I feel close to my goal. Without those little intervals of happiness, I’d be looking up flights home. It’s gotten bad enough here where I’ve actually looked fondly upon the idea of getting a job. Yeah. That bad. It never feels good when something as ominous as Winter is chasing you. And I’m too tired to start running.

**** Now this is this morning's entry ****

Wednesday September 19, 2007

Last night was mercifully warmer and quieter. Less wind and warmer temperatures allowed this guy to actually get a full night of sleep in. Perfect. We are expected the second quarter of the roof’s supplies to arrive today. We need to sand and varnish the timber and rip off the old roof before we can start construction. We hope to put up this roof a little quicker than the last one considering we now have an idea of what we’re doing. Although, we’re still a ways away from getting a comfortable set up here. The water and electrical systems always loom over us with their importance and with their complication. We both want to tackle this problem as soon as possible and don’t want to tackle it at all. I think we are planning to take a trip down to Dublin this coming weekend to settle our visa status but perhaps I’ll also be able to sneak into a 5k in the area before leaving…we’ll see . I’m horribly out of shape.

It’s sunny this morning and we are going to head into town early and blog etc before our materials are delivered so we’re still running about a day behind on the blog ok? I’ll write about Wednesday and Thursday tomorrow evening or something.

I can’t believe how anxious I am to finish these projects and have a place that is warm, dry and secure to live. And at the same time, so opposed to doing work. Actually I’m not that opposed but I never feel like working even though I’m so anxious to. It’s a strange feeling.

We helped a friend of ours who’s a bartender help move some kegs of stale beer yesterday. Although, the beer was stale, it reminded both Brian and I of the good ol’ days. Haven’t moved a keg in a while. Single Tear. I’m going to try to write more letters as in snail mail. I’ve worked out a pretty good system here finally, so please send me your address if you’d like to receive some mail. And it doesn’t matter who you are, don’t feel bad about asking, no. there are not other more important people I need to spend my time on. I have lot’s of time. When the sun sets (which is creeping up earlier and earlier in the day) These guys have nothing to do beside write letters and read books. I’m working on getting a typewriter because let’s be honest, a notepad is the worst stationary ever. I can barely write letters on our current paper, it’s just so ugly. However, typewriters have an unbelievable aesthetic look. So, yeah. Look forward to a typewriter letter if I get your address. Punks.

Hahah, I just realized I’ll be posting this right after my Monday entry and it will be a perfect juxtaposition of my bi=polar mood. This is the difference between 4 hours of sleep and 9 hours of sleep. And well, other things as well.

We have been looking into stereo’s here (totally not seriously but kinda). We simply need some bumpin’ tunes. I mean, computer speakers and radio are only so much. I want to feel my chest quiver with bass and not the eurotechno stuff that seems to be all the rage here. Anyyyyway. We gots to go. Hope everyone has a pleasant hump day. Yep, that’s right, it’s hump day. (You know, Wednesday)